Last month I made a really difficult decision: to leave business school indefinitely. I lost sleep for weeks agonizing over my choices but every time I quieted the less important thoughts in my head, the way forward was clear.
I originally wanted to get my MBA for a few reasons. First, I didn’t have a great understanding of corporate accounting. I’ve just completed that class and while it was brutal, I can now confidently navigate between an income statement, a balance sheet and a statement of cash flows. Second, I just sort of always thought I would have a graduate degree. I grew up in a community where higher education was prized and prioritized – and all the people I looked up to had multiple Masters degrees. I always planned to be one of those people. Third, I wanted to have an edge on my competition in the workplace. In the last few months I have been recruited for a handful of really exciting positions by companies who had no idea I was pursuing my MBA, so it seems maybe that reason was a little weak. Ultimately, when I’m honest with myself, the real reason: I wanted those letters behind my name to give me some extra credibility and to validate my intelligence and worth.
The funny thing about motherhood is that there isn’t a lot of wiggle room for bullshit (pardon my French). There’s just too much to do and not enough time to do it – so if something on your list shouldn’t be there, it doesn’t last long. And so it was with business school, at least for now.
While class was only two nights a week, there were then all the nights spent studying (or stressing about studying) or weekend afternoons meeting with a group working on a project. Each of those hours was an hour I missed with Daisy. Silly as it may sound, losing each one of those hours really hurt my heart – every day she experiences a new milestone and I don’t want to miss a single thing. Especially with another baby on the way – these last six months as a family of three seem to be flying through my fingertips like sand.
So, I hope to return to my studies later, when things calm, but I feel a strange sense of relief where I expected there to be a feeling of failure or worry about what others may think. Motherhood has stripped away some of those unproductive emotions from my psyche – I no longer worry about how things I do appear to others. What matters to me is that I am always making the right choice in the moment for myself, my babies and my partner. And I’m finally getting the hang of saying “no” when it matters most.
I’ve learned through all of this that trying to do and have it all is exhausting and futile. Perhaps the key to “having it all” is not trying to, after all… ❤